Get Comfortable With Being Uncomfortable
I gave this advice to my nephew when he graduated last year from high school and would be leaving soon for UCLA. “Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. You are good at so many things, so be great at being uncomfortable.” I have to say, I patted myself on my own back for that one - I even read it aloud from my card to the Spouse. My constant need for feedback…”Isn’t that so good I thought of that?” But really. It’s true. If we can force ourselves to become really good at being uncomfortable, then there would be less missed opportunity, less willingness to give up on dreams, we’d be able to stand-up for our beliefs confidently, and as a fruit of all of that, we’d expand our personal universe.
We all want to be on the planet of Comfortable. It’s such a nice planet to be on. And the friends we acquire who live with us there, are all so nice. It’s an agreeable place to be. Easy and fun. It’s what we expect in life, things make sense, we win a lot, we never get nervous or anxious, we are at peace, and it’s just all-around...well...comfortable. Why would we ever leave?
Then there’s the planet called Uncomfortable. There are foods we’ve never tried, people we’ve never met, experiences that we don’t know what to expect. Our heart races, our mind worries, our body tires, our mouths debate, and sometimes there’s yelling and crying throughout the land. Logic seems backwards, our mirrors reflect storms, and there’s failure - lots of it. This doesn’t exactly sound like a planet I want to live on...or even visit...or is it?
For my family, I want a dual citizenship. Traveling to other countries you’ve never been to can be scary and dangerous, or seem chaotic or crazy, and can even alter your course of life by the attitudes and trauma that you may be exposed to...but it can also be exciting, nourishing, exquisitely beautiful, with meeting people who change you, with experiences that can enrich your lens and renew your purpose in life. With all of that in mind, we travel the world. But it takes the struggle. It takes the planning, the venturing, the risking, the stretching, the growing...ultimately, the uncomfortable to be able to have all those riches. And then, with practice, that risking and stretching becomes a skill. A skill that makes all of that challenge something you can face a little more easily next time. And with that - your universe has grown.
Creating “muscle-memory” with the struggle and the risking - it all makes the uncomfortable, become more comfortable, just like anything you practice or try for the first time. When you try a new recipe, you may be a tiny bit apprehensive about if it will turn out right and taste good. But after you make it once and brave the uncomfortable, you will know. And next time, you might be a little less apprehensive about trying a new recipe. And now your universe has grown.
As author of the book The Talent Code, Daniel Coyle writes:
“Deep practice feels a bit like exploring a dark and unfamiliar room. You start slowly, you bump into furniture, stop, think, and start again. Slowly, and a little painfully, you explore the space over and over, attending to errors, extending your reach into the room a bit farther each time, building a mental map until you can move through it quickly and intuitively.”
When we practice what we are already good at, we are just getting better at what we are good at, which is awesome and necessary to be successful. But what about the things we aren’t so good at? And what if those things are life skills that matter too? Intangible, unmeasurable skills that will help us have more opportunities to thrive and be successful? More opportunities to be whatever our definition of thriving or success is - whether that be the ability to make meaningful relationships, increase the dollars in our bank account, cultivate self-discipline, change our outlook in life, grow in hope and faith, and make a difference in the world? How do we get these skills to do whatever it is we truly want to do - if there is no exercise in the uncomfortable?
I look at my choice to homeschool in a similar way. I didn’t grow up being homeschooled - and it was such an anomaly for me, that as a child, I knew only one family that homeschooled - and they were “weird.” And I said I would never “do that to my kids.” But, by the time I had kids, there was no doubt in my mind that homeschooling was the calling for us. I had no experience homeschooling - it was certainly not in my universe at all, and I had no idea where to start, and it was scary, and I was unsure, and I didn’t have a lot of people around me who understood my choice. And that’s where the skill of being great at being uncomfortable comes in. All my life as a year-around swimmer, I had to do things I never wanted to do, try things that I was really uncomfortable doing, and push and stretch myself into the unknown. And that’s why I am now able to homeschool. Because I was pushed to become great at the uncomfortable (thanks Mom and Dad!).
And now, I try to point out to my kids when I do something good that was uncomfortable for me to do. I point out that I sign-up for the uncomfortable. I intentionally practice my uncomfortable skill in safe ways - like choosing to barter with vendors at farmers markets and flea markets. Choosing to say hi to people in elevators and ask them questions. That is all practice for me on the planet uncomfortable...but it is a safe way to practice. No relationships are harmed, no money lost, no personal safety sacrificed...just practice. And I want my kids to see me doing it.
Because I want the same for my kids. I want that dual citizenship for them. I want my kids by the time they are adults, to be great at being uncomfortable. I want them to fly to distant planets and explore unknown horizons that they are interested in. I want them to put themselves out there and be able to stand for what is right and make a difference in the world if they want to - even though it is uncomfortable. I want them to reach out to people who God brings into their lives and try to get to know them - even if they might be rejected. I want them to be able to pursue their callings and not let fears and phobias formed from lack of skills or failed experiences block them from serving their Creator the way He created them to serve.
As their parents, especially as homeschooling parents, the Spouse and I have a ton of opportunities to expose our kids to new ideas and situations, and encourage them or require them to face a challenge head-on. Finding that balance is hard. How much should I push? How much do I challenge them or put them in situations that make them practice their uncomfortable muscle? Do I make her get back on the bike after a scary fall? Do I ask or do I push my kids to try the Spelling Bee? Do I suggest or do I require that they say, “Thank you for your service” to the police officers standing in front of us in line? It takes reflection and growth to know when to push your littles toward the uncomfortable in little ways, and when to rest in their individual pacing of development. I’m not there yet, and probably no one is. But I’m so thankful that I was equipped with the skills through experiences as a child to at least know that I can try, I can test, and I can deeply and sincerely say, I’m sorry when I’ve pushed too hard..
“Although talent feels and looks predestined, in fact we have a good deal of control over what skills we develop, and we have more potential than we might ever presume to guess.” - Daniel Coyle
Can we live happy lives on Planet Comfortable? Of course. But I want more than happy for me. And I want more than happy for my kids. And since I have this conviction of the “more than,” then maybe that was put there by someone other than me. Maybe, that was put there by my Creator. We are not all supposed to follow the same formula. We are not all meant to live the same lives, make the same choices, educate the same way, follow the same plan, or want the same things. I always need to remind myself of that. And one of the ways I do that is - conviction. How much time we spend as individuals, as parents, and as families on the planets of Comfortable versus Uncomfortable is probably a matter of conviction, based upon the calling our Creator has for us as parents and the calling He has given our children.