Should I Let My Kid Quit?
When is it okay to let your child quit an activity, and when should we push him through?
Quitting can mean “giving up,” thus losing the opportunity to build resilience and perseverance for working toward goals. Which sometimes it does, but sometimes, quitting empowers your child and frees him up to explore new passions or find his calling in something you didn’t expect. So, it can be really hard to gauge when to let your child quit and when to make her push through it.
Research on Quitting
Let’s first look at why sometimes it is good to quit, according to some recent research:
Psychology Today: Why It’s Okay—Even Wise—to Let Your Child Quit
5 ways a child can benefit from quitting.
Allowing a child to quit a miserable activity teaches your child that they do not need to stay in a bad situation
When children are given the opportunity to work up enough courage to make the decision to quit a “detested” activity, it builds the feeling in your child that he has control over his own future
Teaches your child that she does not have to fear admitting that she is unhappy
She learns that quitting does not define her character
Walking away from something miserable can help your child practice the skill of taking ownership over seeking her own happiness based upon what she wants in life
In quoting a passage from a book Enough as She Is, by Rachel Simmons, we read:
“Adolescence is a period marked by difficult transitions, and the choice to change course, drop out, and, yes, quit—with the right support and reflection—can be a spectacularly brave act of self-respect.”
We struggle with letting our children quit too because we want their resilience to grow. In this article, “To Quit or Not to Quit? That Is the Question: Quitting is a decision, not a character trait.”, resilience does not mean persevere at all costs - resilience is more than that. The article reads: “A big resilience myth is that resilience means to always persevere, but it’s more nuanced than that. Resilience is about ‘perseverance with a purpose.’ It’s not about running yourself into the ground or encouraging your team to keep going when the goal or the outcome no longer makes sense, has changed, or has even become dangerous. Resilience requires that you continually re-evaluate your position based on new information you receive, whether internally or externally from your environment.”
And why should your child not quit? Plenty of reasons! This article shares many of these with regards to teens.
Without reflection, assessment, or a plan of action, your child might just experience the same situation over and over again.
Many times in quitting there are unanticipated costs
Can cause regret
Might be sacrificing sunk costs
Start a pattern of quitting
Feelings of failure and not overcoming challenge
It’s important to remember from reading these articles, that the decision to quit is just that - a decision…not a character trait.
Your Relationship
First, before you get started with a conversation about quitting something, consider first your parent-child relationship.
What kind of interaction do you want to have with your child about quitting?
When is a good time to talk about quitting for you and your child?
What kind of tone do you want to approach this with?
What is your intention in the conversation?
What kind of suggestions do you want to be prepared with?
Consider what you are prepared to do - sunk costs? Your nagging/reminders? Extrinsic motivators? Go anyway to hang out in case it becomes appealing again?
Are you able to have contact with the coach to help you with this endeavor in any way?
Include on your list your question to your child “How can I, as the parent, help you with this situation? What can I do to make this a manageable activity for you? Is there something I can do to help navigate this for you?
Evaluate Why They Want to Quit
We’ve made this helpful checklist for you to consider ask your child about, depending on his age, to consider before quitting something that you know is an important aspect of their development. These potential reasons why they would want to quit may not be mutually exclusive, and they might not be valid - but they are reasons nonetheless. Knowing the reason can help you walk through this decision process.
Emotional Reasons
Too challenging even if successful at it
Too much pressure
Bullying - by participants, coach/teacher, other parents
Feelings of failure
Bored/Uninterested with Activity
The activity wasn’t what they thought it would be
The way the activity is learned or practiced is different than expected and your child does not find meaning in the majority of the practice activity. Not worth the final result.
Missing Out - The Opportunity Cost
Your child may love the activity…but…it’s the opportunity cost
Time away from family/parent and would rather be with them
Time away from doing a more preferred activity
Other friends are hanging out without them
The activity makes them so busy that they don’t have time to develop other activities or experience other important aspects of life that are meaningful to your child. Every time we say yes to one activity, we are indirectly saying no to something else.
Doesn’t Fulfill a Need
Your child receives fulfillment of their physical/musical/art need another way, and this feels like extra to her
Wasn’t Aware of Commitment Level
How long is it okay to try something first to see if they want to commit? Did you explore that exposure option long enough first? You only have a few young years for your child to try things out - be careful not to commit to something too soon.
Be careful not to make arbitrary commitment levels. Just because some seasons or courses span a semester or a year, doesn’t mean that trying something out means they have to commit for a season or a semester or a year.
Busy Day(s)
Would a different day be a better fit?
Would a different time be a better fit?
Location
Maybe a different place would be better for comfort, size, etc. It’s not the actual activity itself
Too long in the car to get there
Location doesn’t feel safe, or child can’t see the parent
Coach/Teacher
Coach or teacher might not be a good fit for your child’s temperament
If we truly believe in customizing for our homeschool, maybe there’s a different teacher, coach, philosophy, type, etc. that would make a difference
The teacher doesn’t feel safe, show interest in your child, or isn’t skilled at working with kids
Assess Pros & Cons (as parents)
Endurance - It’s good to muscle through something that is difficult sometimes
Did they get to experience a full exposure? - It’s not a full exposure for a performing art if you don’t go from class/practices to an actual performance. It’s not a full exposure for a sport if you do not get to compete. So, does your child have an accurate view of the activity for what he has been exposed to?
Friendships - Did your child develop friendships and consider what that might look like after he quits?
Sacrifice - What will they sacrifice by quitting (standing, skills, college opportunities, etc)? What will they sacrifice by staying?
Fulfills A Need/Requirement - What will take its place? Is there a need that is being met that needs to be replaced with something else? Does this not fulfill a need, and so something else needs to be tried?
5 Ways to Move Forward
Push through the commitment - Make sure your child was included on the commitment level, and that you didn’t set arbitrary commitment levels for your child yourself. It’s a collaborative process. Parent her to ensure she’s not taking on more than she can handle for her maturity, interests, and developmental level. Once you do, then push through that season, a performance, or school year.
Address an issue & look for solutions - One of the things we love about sports/classes with longevity is the experience of navigating issues, relationships, set-backs, challenges and more. This is a big part and purpose of being part of these activities. It might help to ask your child these questions in assessing their own situation (from this article):
"By quitting what do I hope to get?"
"By quitting what do I give up?"
"By quitting what will I miss?"
"By quitting what might I later regret?"
Scale Back - Are there options to reduce the amount of time spent on this activity? Maybe that will make all the difference! A happy medium.
Take a break - Pay attention during the break. Are they finding new hobbies, new experiences, new activities, new exercise to fill that space/need? And do they like those better? Do they have the same benefit? Watch for behavior and attitude changes, good and grumpy moods. Also, you may notice your child grieving the loss or being overly excited about the new schedule in the early stage.
Quit it & release it - Use this decision as an opportunity to quit well.
Communicate - If appropriate, talk to the coach/teacher/manager in person or on the phone (or model that for your child) to notify and to explain the reason for quitting. It’s not kind to the teacher to just disappear and just stop paying.
Appreciation - Bring a thank you note or gift to the teacher.
Notifying Friends - Tell your friends if it’s your last month or last time coming to class and keep it positive so not to ruin their perspectives towards the activity. Just because your child did not want to continue, doesn’t mean the activity isn’t a wonderful experience for others.
Processing Closure - Share at dinner with your family the good and the challenging experiences this activity provided. Memorializing a passing activity will bring closure while processing the ways it impacted your life.
What’s Next - Evaluate what the activity provided and what it lacked. Make a plan for a new activity as needed.
What to Do When Trying A New Activity
Quitting is not always a bad thing. Many activities run their course, as well as your child’s waxing and waning interests. But, quitting isn’t something we want to do too regularly - So, just like you would customize your child’s education based upon his interests and passions for your child’s academics, do the same for his activities. There’s no one-size-fits-all, even within the same family. These preventative measures may decrease the need of possibly wasting a lot of trial-and-error time, frustration, and feelings of failure.
Witness the Activity - Take your child to watch the sport, recital, show to see if that is something that excites her and wants to be part of or try for a short or long period of time
Pay attention at home - what does your child like to do in her free time and what is she good at? What drives your child?
Utilize park time to see what your child gravitates toward and how he plays with it. Offer some activities there to see what your child enjoys.
Does she want to be in the water all the time and enjoy trying to race against Daddy? Swimteam might be her thing.
Does he like to throw a ball against the wall? Does he have great hand-eye coordination? A ball sport might be his thing.
Is she always twirling around the house asking to watch dance shows? Try dance!
Consult with the Experts - Check with coaches/teachers first to see when is the best time to start the sport/class.
When is the best time for a short exposure?
When it is necessary or best time for making a longer commitment?
When is it the best age/developmental state?
Interview Participants and their Parents - What the other participants say about the sport, league, team, coaches, parents, each other, classes, studio, school, etc. can give you the insight you need to navigate the activity with regards to location, relationships, leadership, necessary commitment, cost, additional requirements (for competitions, clinics, etc.), equipment, time, and more.
Pay attention to body language and attitudes when discussing this topic with them
Listen to both participant and parent to gain a fuller picture
Ask about the team culture, unwritten rules, and relationships between participants and parents
Collaborate - Decide ahead of time together with your child how long a “trial period” will be, and then at the end of the trial period, discuss and help your child make the bigger commitment if she really likes it.
Try Short Seasons First - Try a league that is shorter/less commitment - like I-9 sports or a sports rotation class at a local gym, in order to try out various types of activities. Keep in mind it might not be competitive enough or robust enough for an accurate exposure to the activity, but it might be enough to gauge if your child has a proclivity for it.
If we are intentional, we can guide our children in these complex situations and provide the support they need for future decision-making all the way into adulthood…And what a gift to get to parent our children through all of it!
We talk more about this topic in our podcast Episode 99: Quitting.
